Joke:Sunday School Lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.


"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!

A very religious man fell into the quicksand.

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?"

One time when my son was 3 years old

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store. 

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

"But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer. 

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." 

 The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." 

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

"Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?" The guy beside him stiffens.

"Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds and I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin’ next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny—do you still want to tell your little joke?" 

To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'm glad you told me. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

"Do you have any small note-books?"

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

Joke:A blonde was sitting outside a store crying

A blonde was sitting outside a store crying..the manager of the store spotted her and went outside & asked the blonde whats wrong..she said her mother just died..& the manager said oh Im sorry.. the blondes cell phone starts to ring and she answers it & says hello..omg! are you serious!.. & she hangs up and the manager asks her who that was & the blonde says that was my sister her mom just died too !

Pure defination of Globalization !

Definition of Globalisation? Princess Diana's death: an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a french tunnel in a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian drunk on Scotch Whisky, followed by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, treated by American doctors using Brazilian medicine. This message was created by an Indian on a Chinese phone stolen from an Aussie by a Maori!

Joke:Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One:I cant seem to get this door unlocked !

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! its starting to rain, and the top is down!

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?

Question:What four animals does a woman like to have
               in her house? 

Answer:A Tiger in bed, a Mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her
            garage and a Jackass to pay for it all.

I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds

 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

Today's Joke:Well, you have done the right thing

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Please leave a comment or mark like if you like this Joke.

'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything t declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'"

A Shy Guy Goes Into a Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "200 DOLLARS? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"

Children experiences after visiting "The Sea"

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Children were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them.

The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

---

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

A four year old little boy

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I'm having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”

Best One liner Jokes To set as your FB status

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheuqe books.

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.



• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' " Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

• Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we' re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

Besy Funny Jokes ever

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


A little boy went up to his father and asked :" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "His father replied :" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,because I still have mine.




"What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? " Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,but I never told them anything !! "

John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.
"The mother wrote back the next day :" If you find a solution, please advise.I have the same problem with his father ! "

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Pay attention

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked on his finger.


"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."